Ace Dad Advice: I'm sex-repulsed and don't know what to do.

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.

YD writes:

I'm a 43 year old sex repulsed woman and I had barely dated, I've only dated allo people as it seems impossible to find Aces in my very sexual country. It became impossible for me to find relationships, people think that asexuality is abnormal and I'm not enough if I don't have sex. It also affects my friendships because everybody talks about their love lives and I'm always alone.

I don't know what to do, I lived like a hermit for the past 23 years, therapy didn't help, any advice?

Hey YD,

I first want to acknowledge the difficulty of the experience you’re describing. I’m sure many sex-repulsed ace folks who read your letter will nod in agreement, and honestly, even as a sex-neutral to sex-positive ace, there are parts of your feelings and experiences that resonate deeply with me, too. But I want to hold space for the fact that sex-repulsed ace folks face a particularly uphill battle in a highly sexualized world.

I’m sure you’ve mostly heard “advice” from people — advice they assume is helpful — that amounts to ways you can change who you are to better fit the people and world around you. “You should just relax about sex.” “You could try something and see if you like it.” “Maybe you could do some things but not all things.” And on and on. I hope you always reject these bits of advice. No advice that asks you to rearrange yourself to suit the needs and wants of others is good advice.

But I’m sure it seems that there’s no other way to be happy unless you change who you are. Right? The world isn’t going to change. So unless you do, nothing will ever get better. Right?

I’d offer this: when you’re stuck at this impasse, lean into your difference. And lean in hard.

All of the things you’re experiencing from others — being told you’re abnormal, that you’re not enough, being othered by friends around love, etc — is designed to make you hate who you are. It’s designed to make you feel bad enough to change yourself. It has absolutely nothing true to say about you as a person. It knows nothing about the truth of you or your worth. it’s just there to shame you into submission and conformity.

And you deserve better than that.

If you don’t have anyone around you that’s supporting and loving your sex-repulsed aceness, YOU have to be the one to love it. You have to be your own cheerleader. Know you’re not abnormal. Know you’re more than enough. Know that relationships aren’t the only thing that define a person. Be the champion you’re missing in the world. You deserve that.

Out of that love will come defiance, and that defiance will be your armor. Instead of approaching relationships worried that your asexuality will be rejected, you can approach relationships and ask whether that person is good enough to be chosen by YOU. You can demand more respect from your friends when they other you by their conversations. You can demand from others the love you give yourself. Because why would you accept any less from others than you are capable of providing yourself?

Now, I know all of this is incredibly difficult to do. It’s not a light switch. It’s hard work. And you’ll get it right some days, and other days, you won’t. But setting your eyes on this particular prize and working toward this goal is what matters. What matters is that you don’t stay stuck. What matters is you move toward the person you want to be and the life you want to have.

There will be days when the pressure of the world will outweigh even your best suit of armor, and being sex-repulsed and ace will feel like a liability. Have grace with yourself on those days. Then try again tomorrow.

And remember:

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be respected. You deserve the things and relationships you want.

Your asexuality isn’t a brokenness. It’s part of what makes you you. Who are you are and what you want is the opposite of broken. It’s complete and whole.

You have a right to your space in the world. Take it.