Ace Dad Advice: Relationships for sex-repulsed ace folks?

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.

FA writes:

I've been wondering… is it possible for me, a sex-repulsed ace, to be in a healthy romantic relationship?

Hey FA —

The short and simple answer is: yes. You can be a sex-repulsed ace person and still have a healthy romantic relationship. There is nothing inherent in asexuality or in being sex-repulsed that excludes you summarily from wanting, pursuing, or experiencing romantic relationships.

But that’s academic, right? That’s the theory. And we all know theory sometimes crumbles in the face of practice.

First, we have to acknowledge the challenge sex-repulsed ace folks face in the relationship realm. Most people do expect and desire sex as a component to their romantic relationships. Part of this is built on social expectations (compulsory sexuality and allonormativity exert powerful influence on the way most folks build their expectations around relationships), and part of this is built on the fact that many more of us are allo than not. For sex-repulsed aces, this can feel like a universal closing of the doors. It can feel like, unless you hit the asexuality jackpot and find another sex-repulsed ace who’s emotionally, mentally, and spiritually compatible who’s also interested in you, there are no viable paths in the romance game.

I want to acknowledge that this is all very real. It feels real. It bears out in almost all of the interactions sex-repulsed ace folks have with allos. It’s the overwhelming message of the world all the time. This steep, steep mountain isn’t just something sex-repulsed aces are making up in their heads. It’s hard. You’re opening yourself up to the possibility of rejection regularly. The challenge is fact.

But if a romantic relationship is something you want, you should pursue it. You deserve to pursue what will make you happy. You deserve to want the things that will make you happy. And even though being sex-repulsed makes that wanting and pursuing harder, it should not cut you off from the very foundational right you have to want and pursue those things.

But we probably need a few different tactics to navigate that journey.

Develop a strong self-care skill set. Before you put yourself out there and take on the rejection risk, it’s important to know how to take care of yourself. Make sure you’ve got the tools keep yourself centered, manage tough emotions, and stay positive. (And I don’t mean the toxic kind of positive — just the kind of positive that acknowledges hard things but maintains a forward-focused mindset.) This is also a reminder that you’re the top priority here. What’s good for you and what’s nurturing for you is number one.

Know what you’re asking for. Know what you’re offering. A lot of times we dive into the relationship pool without really knowing how to swim. It’s important that we pursue relationships with a clear understanding of what we want out of our relationships and what we are bringing to our relationships. This becomes even more important when what you want/what you offer is off the expected menu. Be clear about what you need and want from someone as a partner. Be clear about what you absolutely don’t. Be clear about you are able to provide a potential partner. Be clear about what you absolutely cannot. And know what things on both sides are open for negotiation. There’s so much confidence and power in this clarity, and as a sex-repulsed ace person, you want to have confidence when you’re explaining what kind of relationship you want and when you’re possibly facing aphobia or microaggressions because of what you want.

Set goals and expectations for yourself and make them realistic. This isn’t just for sex-repulsed folks. Most of us set unrealistic expectations in the relationship game. A gift we can give ourselves is a set of realistic expectations that focus on the ways we win throughout the process and that don’t define success as simply getting a partner. If we approach dating as another journey of self-improvement and self-discovery, we not only center our needs and wants (as we should) but we make it less of a zero sum game. Set goals for improving how you speak up for yourself or how you set boundaries with potential partners. Maybe you want to focus on being in the moment more on dates or sharing what you’re passionate about more authentically. Dating doesn’t have to be a referendum on your worth as a person and partner. It can be a space where you learn more about yourself through interactions with others.

Work on your relationship with failure. Here’s another one that’s good for everyone. Sex-repulsed ace folks know the chances of relationships not working out are high. It’s just the name of the game. So you have to develop a healthy relationship with failure. You’re going to experience dates that kinda suck. You’re going to meet potential partners who are kinda terrible. You’re going to have relationships that don’t work out. But you can have a relationship with all of these little failures that positively shape who you are as a sex-repulsed ace. I want to quote queer academic J. Jack Halberstam here: “The queer art of failure turns on the impossible, the improbable, the unlikely, and the unremarkable. It quietly loses, and in losing it imagines other goals for life, for love, for art, and for being.” Just being queer is a kind of failure: we’ve failed at fitting the norms of the world around us. But look what that failure has produced… US! Our fabulous selves. If we bring that sensibility into other parts of our life — the understanding that, while failure sucks, it’s emotionally crappy, it can hurt us deeply, it can also be an open door into us imagining new and different ways to move through the world — we can navigate some of the rejection of the world more easily. As a sex-repulsed ace, you’re not some broken version of a person. You’re another imagined possibility, another way of being. And while the road may be difficult, you have the right to dream that way of being. You have the right to ask for someone to join you along the way. And maybe, with the right amount of luck and persistence, you’ll find what you’re looking for.