Ace Dad Advice: Our sex life has changed. Is it asexuality?

J writes:

Hi Ace Dad. What was the term for a person who likes the idea or fantasy of sex but doesn’t like to actually have sex? I am very sexual and my partner’s lack of enthusiasm is frustrating. We’ve been together for a long time but the sex gets more and more perfunctory and infrequent. Help?!

Hey J —

The microlabel you’re looking for is aegosexual. Aegosexual folks have some comfort level with sex in the abstract — enjoying sexual innuendo, sexual content, fantasizing, and the like — but do not connect that with themselves. They don’t want to engage practically in the things they’re comfortable with in the abstract.

I’m hoping the search for this microlabel comes from some conversations between you and your partner, along with sincere questioning on their part about asexuality.

Navigating a sexual relationship with mismatched libidos is absolutely a challenge. It’s even harder when there’s something to compare it to — a previous stage in the relationship when things were more evenly matched. But it’s important we don’t measure ourselves or our partners against some past version of us. Who we were — libidio and all — isn’t the best lens for seeing who we are now accurately.

If you don’t already, it’s useful to establish some check-in conversations about sex. Share with each other how you’re feeling about your sex life, what’s enjoyable, what’s not. Discuss where your libidios are. Discuss where you’d like them to be. Be kind and vulnerable and honest with each other, and do this in a situation and time completely removed from the act of having sex. If you know where you both stand — in an emotionally neutral space — you’ll be better grounded to work together moving ahead.

Talk to each other in a neutral space about what a fulfilling, good sex life means to you. And be specific. Talk frequency. Talk acts you enjoy and want. Talk times and locations. Talk vibes. We don’t often talk about this with our partners, and we should. Not only does it help us fully understand what makes them tick, but it helps us know when things change with our partners. Even small changes in what “good sex” means to us can cause big ramifications in our relationships. So talk about it.

It’s also important to have check-ins about your couple agreements, too. In long relationships, we often negotiate the “rules of engagement” around sex early on, and we hold on to those without re-negotiating them as our relationship evolves. It’s important — particularly when behaviors start to change — to have that conversation in a neutral space about whether the “rules of engagement” are still working. Maybe things need tweaking. Maybe new rules need to be dreamed up and implemented. Give yourselves opportunities to update your sexual guidelines as your relationship moves from stage to stage.

If your partner is coming into an understanding of themselves as asexual (aegosexual in particular), having these conversations will be more important than ever. Recognizing your ace within the context of a long-term relationship is a big shift emotionally and mentally. Being able to have these conversations in neutral spaces — where they’re supportive, and dispassionate and collaborative — makes that easier.

Just make sure you and your partner aren’t trying to ascribe changes in your relationship to asexuality too hastily. (Not assuming you are. Just being diligent.) Whatever the root cause, find some time to talk more deeply. If you tackle this as a team, you’ll have a better shot at figuring it out.

Need advice on love, sex, life or relationships? Send your questions to cody@acedadadadvice.com.