Ace Dad Advice: I'm 74, and I might be ace. Does it matter?

M writes:

I am 74 and curious. Actually anxiously curious. I do not know why I care at 74. But I am thinking about how I never felt a response to sex with anyone. I feel attraction and my mind can fantasize sex. In fact I fantasize after the fact. While I enjoy looking at either sex as beautiful I have zero physical lust. It is always mental.

I just wondered if I was asexual long before I ever heard about it. I can say I am slightly aversive in some circumstance and I am just not able to participate if it involves me being there (smiles). What’s my question? I do not know. Not that labels matter but if I were to fit in some category where would you suggest I would best fit?--

Hey M —

Before I dig, I just want to say: I think there is great value, no matter what stage we are living through in our lives, to consider the truth of our experience and look for language to describe it. While it’s true that the majority of the folks in our asexual community are taking this journey in their teens and twenties, there is so much value in you asking these questions at 74. You’re deepening the way you understand yourself. We never age out of the power of that.

I’m never one to give someone a label — I don’t think it’s ever wise to tell someone what they are. That’s a decision one makes for oneself — but I can say the things you describe do come up in the lives of other asexual folks when they talk about their relationship to sex. In specific, some of the things you describe — being able to fantasize but not wanting to actually do it, not wanting to participate if it involves you being there — are ways some aegosexual folks talk about their experience. Perhaps exploring that bit of language more might uncover some things that feel true and right for you.

But ultimately — and I give this advice to anyone, regardless of age — you are the authority on your own experience. You know what’s happening within you better than anyone. So if discovering the language of asexuality has sparked curiosity, and if it is language you feel some kinship to when you attach it to yourself, perhaps asexuality is an identity worth trying on for a while. To see if it fits. If it does, you’ve learned something new. If it isn’t, you’ve lost nothing and at least have healthily explored yourself more fully.

Sometimes, the only thing stopping someone from claiming an identity label is the permission to do it. Someone telling them, “it’s okay for you to decide.”

It’s okay for you to decide.

And if asexuality is what you decide is true for you at 74, I have to tell you — that excites me. And it matters. Deeply. You would be adding to the depth and complexity of our community’s experience. And that’s a beautiful thing. And you’d be seeing yourself more completely. Also beautiful.

Best of luck!

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