Ace Dad Advice: Talking with your Doctor

G writes:

Hi there, I was wondering if you had any advice for explaining asexuality to doctors? As an afab person in their early 20’s, pap smears are something on my radar-as they should be for anyone with a cervix.

However, my doctor isn’t inclined to give me a checkup in that regard until I have any kind of penetrative sex. I worry that telling him I have no interest in sex will lead to questions of my libido being a health issue-something to be remedied-not my identity. Or that if I don’t push hard enough or give some explanation, my health will go neglected for longer than it should be.

Hey G —

This is one of the really challenging dichotomies for ace folks, particularly women and those assigned female at birth. On the one hand, because medical and mental health professionals often lack a comprehensive understanding of asexuality, they tend to overmedicalize us in search of “solutions” to “problems” that don’t exist — speaking directly to your concern about your doctor wanting to “treat” your libidio as a health-related issue. On the other, asexual folks who do not have sex as a part of their lives and relationships can be undermedicalized, seen as not needing treatment (preventative or otherwise) because sex isn’t present.

Through one lens, the absence of sex means the presence of an issue that requires attention. Through another, the absence of sex means the absence of urgency. Both lenses miss the point entirely, and both lenses erase asexuality from the ace person’s medical wholeness — something we do not do for other sexual orientations.

(I also don’t want to exclude here the challenges women and those assigned female at birth can face in being believed or listened to by medical professionals. Asexuality aside, they can face real obstacles being heard while seeking out medical care.)

All that is to say your concerns are well-founded, and in many ways we’re still trying to course-correct the medical establishment so that ace folks don’t encounter these issues. Until then, self-advocacy is our strongest line of defense.

While your doctor may be reluctant to perform a pap smear because you’re not engaging in sexual activity, if you’re in your early twenties, that should be irrelevant. The procedure is recommended for women every three years starting at 21. Sexual activity or not, it’s within recommended medical care.

While explaining to your doctor the details of your asexuality isn’t the go-to answer, if you have an established relationship where this might be heard and respected, it’s worth a shot. But you can also self-advocate around this in other ways. “I am not sexually active by choice, however I am still concerned about my cervical health, and this preventative care is something I want,” can be a way to speak truthfully with your doctor without running into aphopbic responses.

Whatever approach you may take, remember that you cannot push “too hard.” Your doctor’s job is to listen to your concerns about your own body and sincerely consider your requests for certain kinds of preventative care. It’s your body. Advocate for it and for you.

Need advice on love, sex, life or relationships? Send your questions to cody@acedadadadvice.com.