Ace Dad Advice: How can I be out at work?
AceAtWork asks:
My job has a pretty big LGBTQIA+ affinity group that I’m considering joining because it seems like a vibrant community and a good opportunity to meet other people, but I’m nervous to put myself out there as an ace in a professional setting. I’ve only been in casual ace meet ups and not broader LGBTQ+ groups out of fear of not being accepted. Do you have any recommendations for joining a group like this and potentially coming out to colleagues?
Hey AceAtWork,
First of all, cheers on being part of a workplace with an established LGBTQ+ affinity group. That’s more than a lot of workplaces offer, and it, at least on some level, demonstrates an interest of your employer to support the lives of their queer employees.
But the fear of facing discrimination or a lack of acceptance from your LGBTQ counterparts in this group is a valid one. Asexual folks have long faced pushback from other queer identities that asexuality isn’t “queer enough” for inclusion. They come up with plenty of reasons why we don’t fit the bill — all of them wrong and rooted in negative stereotypes and acephobia — and often curate queer spaces that advertise diversity and inclusivity, but practically leave ace folks unseen, unheard and unwelcome.
When joining a group like this — particularly in a professional setting — do your homework. Learn what you can about what the group does, who’s involved, who’s running any activities, and how various queer identities make up the group. You can ask these things without outing yourself, and it’s all sensible information any new member would want to know.
And ask if the group welcome folks on the ace and aro spectrums. If they do, then you’re cleared for takeoff. If they don’t, you’ve got a choice to make.
If you’ve got the capacity, and if you feel that stirring up a little ace activism won’t create a hostile work environment, join the group and be an open ace person advocating for your community. Sometimes, all it takes is knowing ace folks personally to get people to reconsider their biases or preconceived notions. Your presence in the group might not only help the group become more truly inclusive, but it could help other closeted ace folks in your company find a place to build a little community.
But if you feel, based on your reconnaissance, that being out as ace would have negative repercussions on your work environment (harassment, losing your job, hostile work environment), it’s okay to not join and to not be out at work. For many of us, our jobs are foundational to our stability. So it’s totally okay to forgo being out if losing your job would severely compromise your safety, health or stability.
I hope the group provides a safe space for you. Being out at work can feel really liberating. I hope you get to feel that freedom in your workplace.
If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.