Ace Dad Advice: Dating while ace on the apps

Z writes:

Any general advice about being on dating apps as an aspec? Ex. how much info to include in a bio vs. waiting till you’re in a text conversation vs. waiting to explain during a meet up in person.

Hey Z,

Ace or allo, the apps can be a lot. I’m polyamorous, so even though I’m married, I’m still on the apps and out as ace. I still feel like a stranger in a strange land.

Let’s start by tackling the topic of disclosure. You’re under no obligation — without exception — to disclose your asexuality in your app profiles. You’re always the one steering the ship, so this bit of personal information (along with all the other bits of personal information you’ve got) is yours until you decide to share it. The apps are a tool, however dysfunctional, not a test. How you use them is dictated by your needs, not the needs of others.

So, when should you share your asexuality with a prospective dating partner? It depends on the person and the evolving relationship. I don’t think putting arbitrary rules around things like this is ever helpful. Each potential relationship is different. When you feel comfortable sharing and when you feel it’s important to share is when it’s the right time. If there’s any “line in the sand” worth considering here, perhaps its when the relationship is reaching the intimacy negotiations. It will be important to clearly express your needs and boundaries, and how your asexuality expresses itself through physical intimacy will be important to bring to the table. But in all situations — it’s up to you when and how you disclose.

“But you should have said that upfront, so I knew not to waste my time!” As ace folks, we hear this a lot on the apps, and it stems from a few faulty premises.

First, it stems from the allonormative belief that experiencing sexual attraction is a default and that asexuality is an error of sexuality, an absence of it, a broken version of sexuality. The assumption is that everyone braving the apps will want sex in a conventional way, and when ace folks upend that assumption, we can be seen as dishonest, withholding, manipulative. Our existence isn’t any of those things.

This is also rooted in an idea that relationships, in order to be valuable, must move in certain predetermined ways. This includes the idea that a relationship must at some point include sex in order to be worth pursuing. This is called compulsory sexuality. Compulsory sexuality is the cultural belief that wanting to have sex (in particular, the socially approved kinds) is an essential , universal part of human experience. This idea is embedded in the way we think about relationships and their value. If we love someone, this cultural norm insists, then we will not only bond with them emotionally. We’ll desire to bond with them physically. Without that desire for sex and sexual bonding, the relationship is faulty, false or basically a dead end.

Compulsory sexuality limits the kind of relationships people believe are worth pursuing, so the fact of our asexuality — as well as the misconceptions people bring to the table — makes many believe that we’re a “waste of time.” Don’t let this cultural pressure force you into disclosing in a space and time that doesn’t work for you. The assertions and assumptions of compulsory sexuality are not things we need to internalize. We don’t have to play by its rules.

Last thing: make sure you treat your asexual identity as a feature, not a bug. So often, in the relationship game, apologize for our asexuality. We don’t have a thing to apologize for. Our asexuality is a part of who we are, and anyone who enters into a relationship with us should see it as a cool feature of us, not some problem to solve.

Whenever you feel it’s right to share your asexual identity with a partner, do so proudly. Treat your own asexuality the way you want a partner to treat it. Lead by example.

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.