Ace Dad Advice: My partner's realized they're ace. How can I support them?

M writes:

I and my partner have come to the realization that they are Ace. I will not give the full blow by blow, but I have on more than one once have been so depressed as to be dangerous believing the person I know cares more for me than anyone else really doesn’t want to be with me. …I love my partner, I want to have tools to support them and aid our relationship. I think we have hurt each other enough when this was not understood. I am asking as a person who loves deeply an Ace person how I can best show my love and support? Without seeming patronizing.

Hey M -

First of all, I want to say that it’s so encouraging to see a question like this. So often, asexual folks find anger and rejection on the other side of a coming out to an allo partner. Your eagerness to love and support your partner as they figure themselves out — and as the two of your figure out your relationship — is a lovely, hopeful thing.

So first, a few ground-level things to do. Learn as much as you can about asexuality on your own, and learn as much as you can about how your partner experiences their asexuality in specific, Feeling seen and understood is a big part of feeling loved, and for an ace person just coming to understand themselves, having someone to share that space of understanding with is everything.

Then, have an honest, supportive conversation with your partner about “renegotiating the contract,” so to speak. The two of your started off on this relationship journey with an understanding of yourselves that’s changed. So, it’s time to reconsider how this relationship works with the new understanding. It’s a great opportunity to build new norms and come to new agreements. It will show your partner that their asexuality isn’t a hurdle, but a new, exciting feature of your relationship. And it will help you both feel more confident navigating this new territory.

Finally, a harder thing: mourn what’s lost. I came out as ace to my husband three years into our marriage, and we struggled a lot at first. We couldn’t let go of the relationship we thought we had, and its ghost haunted us a long while.

It’s okay for you both to feel as though you’ve lost something. In a way, you have. There’s an understanding of your team that no longer holds true, an understanding that likely held a lot of hopes and expectations as well as a lot of struggles and fights and wounds. A really loving thing you can do for each other is to mourn the loss of that understanding, mourn the loss of those people you thought you were together. Support each other in that mourning process. Acknowledge what was great. Acknowledge what wasn’t. And honor it for what it was: one chapter in the story of your life together.

Then, allow that chapter to be closed. Focus on the new one you can build together. I don’t think there’s a single thing you can do that would mean more or feel more loving than that. It’s a powerful way to embrace and honor your partner’s asexuality, and it’s a gift you’ll give each other in your relationship.

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.