Ace Dad Advice: Why does coming out even matter?

S. F. writes:

If being asexual is fluid, then what does coming out actually mean to those you come out to but won't have any kind of sexual relationship with? Do you have to constantly keep people updated on how you feel about sex?… I guess sex is just not a big part of my life to begin with, so a bunch of people knowing my sexuality doesn't seem like their business. … I find my identity in so much more than my sexual orientation and that part matters very little to me and my everyday life. I kind of don't understand why it matters so much to everyone else, including the ace community.

Hey S. F.,

First off: it’s totally okay to not want to come out, not care about coming out, or choose not to come out as asexual. Coming out is a choice we make for ourselves, and no one should pressure you or shame you about your decision to not come out.

But there are some tangible reasons people choose to come out.

For some people, understanding themselves and knowing their truth only completes one part of their identity puzzle. For them, having others know that truth is an important part of feeling whole and authentic. They want to move through the world and be seen as the thing they know themselves to be. It’s not so much that they entirely define themselves through an asexual lens. It’s that being seen as asexual among the other things they are is important to their sense of self.

Coming out as asexual and being visible as asexual also serves as needed representation. Those who come out as asexual ensure that asexual people are a visible part of the human landscape they inhabit. They demonstrate, just by being out, that we exist, that we are part of communities, that we are in the world as everyone else is. And when some person struggling with their identity is looking around them for people who feel as they do and experience the world as they do, those out asexual folks will be there. And that matters.

Queer identities already struggle for their space in the world. Those that come out and live visibly and openly help carve out a little more space for us.

Not everyone has to step up to that plate, but it’s good to recognize the positive and necessary impact those who do make for all of us.

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.