Ace Dad Advice: My family won't accept my asexuality is real.

Queen Rei writes:

I just this year came to terms with being ace. I’m a 33 female and came out to my mom this past spring. She denies it being real and it does exist. I have dealt with guys who claim it isn’t real, I’m not really ace because they can prove it, or that the guy in question claims he can change that about me. Growing up I never liked the concept of sex, after learning about it. I knew it was important to continue the family but never understood why people around me were obsessed with it in school even to know. How do I make others realize and acknowledge that this is who I am and what I am?

Hey Queen Rei —

It’s natural to want the people closest to you to accept who you are. We trust our families and our relationship partners with so much of ourselves, it can feel like a deep betrayal when those people deny or dismiss our truth instead of love and embrace it. We can feel as though we’d do anything — hell, everything — to get the validation we seek from them.

But there’s an important truth here to recognize: we can’t make anyone accept us.

While we might think love and acceptance should be unconditional from our families and relationship partners, there are many reasons some people choose to deny or reject the queer people in their lives. Maybe they’re afraid of their ideas about asexuals. Maybe they’re unwilling to question their religious or cultural ideas about queerness. Maybe they’re afraid of the fact they don’t understand asexuality. Maybe they’re unwilling to give up the comfort that their old ideas and expectations of you gave them. Whatever the reason, it’s their baggage that keeps them from embracing you as an asexual person. It’s all about them. And you can’t make them deal with their baggage.

What you can do is model what acceptance and love looks like by loving and accepting yourself. Love your asexuality. Treat it as a beautiful feature of who you are, not something to apologize for or be ashamed of. Walk the walk of loving yourself when they’re unable or unwilling to.

You can set firm boundaries, though. When someone tells you asexuality isn’t real, you can push back on that falsehood. When someone says they can change you, remind them you don’t want to be changed and that you don’t need to be changed. Loving yourself also means standing up for yourself (when it’s safe and you’re capable).

Perhaps, over time, the love you show yourself will rub off on them, and they’ll come around. Maybe they won’t. But in either case, you’re living your truth in a way that helps you (and others) blossom.

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.