Ace Dad Advice: I'm introverted and ace and I need help dating!

Sebastian writes:

How should an introverted asexual go about dating? I'm not aromantic, but I am asexual, and I feel like most dating is based around sex and looks. But I can't know If I will like someone based on pictures or short bios. The thought of rejecting someone based on feelings I don't understand doesn't seem right to me, and demanding to spend a long time to figure that out seems weird as well.

Hey Sebastian —

Fellow introvert here. I can attest to the challenge of being ace and an introvert when it comes to dating. The relationship arena isn’t only built to favor allosexual folks, it’s also built to favor extroverts. So it’s very easy to feel doubly out of place when trying to make connections and build relationships.

But there’s good news. There’s no one right way to build a relationship. Sure, sex and physical attraction can be a shorthand for a lot of people when they’re starting relationships, but that shorthand isn’t the only acceptable road to love or partnership. Some relationships feel as though they happen overnight. Others develop over weeks and months and years. Some start with a hot and heavy sexual chemistry. Some start with a shared hobby or a really affirming friendship.

The pressure you’re feeling to adhere to one kind of relationship path is an intersection of two cultural forces: allonormativity and amatonormativity.

Allonormativity is the societal and cultural belief that sex and sexual attraction are universal and necessary human experiences, and without them a person is flawed or broken. Amatonormativity is the societal and cultural belief that feeling romantic attraction and pursuing romantic relationships - particularly monogamous, heterosexual ones — is a universal experience, and people who do not pursue these kinds of relationships as their primary relationship are flawed or broken.

So the intersection of these two social constructions is telling you that building a relationship slowly, without sex or physical attraction at the center, is a flawed experience. It’s telling you that a relationship on your terms, in your speed, isn’t acceptable. And those messages are wrong. You can build relationships at whatever speed you like, based on whatever foundations you like, and those relationships can take whatever form you want them to take. The things you need to build the right relationship for you don’t have to align with allonormative or amatonormative ideals.

The first important step is owning and being proud of what works for you. Get a clear handle on your relationship needs and wants. Know the relationship speed you’re comfortable with. And treat those things not as liabilities, but as features of a relationship with you. Love — don’t feel weird about — the things that you uniquely bring to the table for a potential partner.

Then, get comfortable communicating those things clearly and unapologetically when you’re building a connection with someone. You can’t get what you want from a partner unless you’re communicating with them. The clearer you are about what you want and need, the better they’ll be able to provide those things. (Or, the sooner you’ll learn they’re not the right partner for you.) And no apologies! Your wants and needs don’t require apology.

Good luck!

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.