Ace Dad Advice: How do I explain my asexuality to my parents?

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.

This week, two readers write in with similar questions.

AB writes:

I have been out and proud as ace to everyone except my parents for three years now. They are accepting only of straight cis or gay cis people. I am a sex-repulsed biromantic ace and I have no I idea how to come out to them. I know there's no set answer to that but if you have suggestions I greatly need them.

And MB writes:

How can I explain to my parents that I'm ace if they are in a generation where they see sexual attraction and romantic attraction as the same or will say things like 'you haven't had sex yet'/'you'll find the right one and change your mind'?

Hi AB and MB,

First, I want to talk about the “why” of coming out. I think it’s really important to clarify, for each and every coming out experience we set for ourselves, why we’re coming out. Why this moment? Why these people? Why this action? Because coming out is something we do for ourselves — and not for other people — having a clear understanding of why we’re doing it grounds it as a forward motion for us in our lives.

That’s what coming out should be: a step into something, a step forward. If we’re choosing to come out because we feel obligated to, or if we feel its our responsibility to tell certain people within a certain timeframe, or we think we’re somehow letting our community down if we don’t come out to everyone, then we’re starting from the wrong “why.” We need to start from our own desire to move forward and ahead in our lives as ace people.

So make sure you’re choosing to enter into this tricky terrain with your parents grounded by the right kind of “why.” You’ll need that foundation if things get hard. And with the right “why,” regardless of the response you get, you’re stepping forward, not backward.

Next, I want to talk about the mechanics of coming out. When you’re entering into any coming out situation, it’s really important to be prepared. But if you’re facing what you know will be hostile combatants, preparation is everything. Make sure you know exactly how you want to introduce the idea of your aceness. Know how you’ll explain the basics if those questions come up. Prepare your answers for their anticipated aphobic rebuttals. Arm yourself with as much as you can. And if you have some supportive friends around, practice with them! Run through your material. Find the weak spots and loopholes. Nothing about this has to be spontaneous. Rehearse it like you’re opening on Broadway in the fall.

And make sure, as best you can, to do it under the most favorable conditions. Have the convo when you want it, where you want, and in the time you want it. Be selfish here. If you’re going to get a hard time, then the least you can give yourself is the chance to play this game on your home turf. Orchestrate the conditions to be as favorable to you as possible. You’ll be glad you did.

Finally, I want to talk about letting go. Let’s say you prepare your heart out, and you deliver the best damn ace coming out that ever was. And your parents still reject you. Or refuse to believe you. Or pummel you with microaggressions. Or simply ignore that it ever even happened. What then?

Let go. Let go the need for their approval. All queer people face The Choice: the moment where we have to decide to either A) believe in the messages of the world around us and be ashamed of our queerness or B) reject those messages and live the life we know to be true and authentic for us.

If we choose B — which you both must have chosen of you’re on the path of living openly as asexual — then we are also rejecting the people who carry those hurtful messages from the world to us. And by “reject,” I don’t mean shunning them or cutting off relationships with them (unless that’s necessary to secure your own safety and well-being). But we have to reject their insistence that those messages are true. We have to reject their ability to occupy space within our heads and hearts to make us feel shame. We have to draw a line and say, “I love who I am, and if you cannot, then there’s a part of me and part of my life you don’t have access to.”

All this boils down to two key things: How do you explain it to your parents? The same way you explain it to everyone else you care about. Thoughtfully. Authentically. Vulnerably. And as an act of love for them.

What happens if they don’t lovingly accept me? Remain thoughtful, authentic, vulnerable and loving, but put up a barrier between you and their bigotry. Preserve your aceness and your pride in yourself. And go live your beautiful ace life.

When they catch up to you, they’ll be the lucky ones.