Ace Dad Advice: How do I explain my asexuality to my allo partner when it comes to our sex life?

C writes:

I have fluctuating tolerance for sexual acts. Sometimes I like them (when it comes to other people or pleasing my partner), sometimes I have no interest in them, sometimes I really don't like them (especially when it comes to myself). It's all situational and dependent on who's involved.

I'm dating this really great guy who does his best to be understanding and who tries really hard to make sure the experiences are both as comfortable and as pleasurable as possible for me, but I usually end up feeling terrible afterwards because I'm not able to stay present during anything sexual and I feel like he's wasting his time and effort on someone who's not really able to appreciate it the way they should.

I'm aego-cupiosexual. I *want* sex to be a part of my relationship and I really want to enjoy it, but I feel such a huge disconnect between myself and my sexuality. I struggle to feel any pleasure if I'm present in the moment and typically have to check out or imagine him doing whatever he's doing to me to someone else in order to not be completely turned off and repulsed. I hate this. I want to be able to be more present and share this intimate experience with my partner without being (best case scenario) uncomfortable or (worst case scenario) repulsed over the fact that it's *me* in these sexual situations.

I guess the advice I'm asking for is either a) how can I communicate the aegosexual aspect of my identity to him in a way that won't hurt him or make him feel inadequate and b) how can I try to make myself more comfortable with being sexual and present in the moment?

Hey C -

I relate to a lot of what you’re sharing here. For most of my life, I’ve also had that feeling of struggling to stay present with a partner during sex. (I even have a name for it. I call it “Going to Epcot.”) And over the years, I built up a ton of shame around that inability to be there, be present, and enjoy sex the way my partners enjoyed it.

But that itself was at the foundation of that shame: placing a demand on myself to enjoy sex the way my partner was enjoying it. I’m asexual. My partners have all been allosexual. We inhabit our bodies and experience sexual attraction entirely differently. Why would we enjoy sex the same way? And why would the ways I enjoyed and experienced sex be considered the “wrong” way simply because I’m ace?

The first step here is releasing the judgment you’re leveling against yourself and the way you’re showing up sexually with your partner. It’s totally okay that you’re aego-cupiosexual. It’s totally okay to want sex as a part of your relationship but also have some issues connecting yourself to that sex. This is how you’re built. And it’s not defective. it’s not wrong. it’s not broken. It’s you. And it’s perfectly fine that it doesn’t line up with the way your partner experiences sex. That’s them. It’s not a competition and it’s not a comparison. it’s two human beings with two different relationships to sex showing up and deciding to give it a try making it work.

So let’s talk about the making it work. The greatest gift you can give yourself and your partner is a conversation about how you both relate to, experience and enjoy sex. Is that a complicated conversation? Sure. Will it be sexy? Probably not. But will it help? ABSOLUTELY. Find a time and place outside of your regular intimacy, a place and time that won’t have any hints of “sexytimes,” and tell your partner there are some things about sex you want to talk about.

You could try: “Hey. So I know you know I’m asexual. And you’ve been really supportive about that so far in our relationship. But I’d like to talk to you a bit more about what that means for me in specific. I’m still learning about it myself, and I want to share what I’ve learned with you. Because our sex life is important to me, and I want it to be awesome for both of us. I like our sex life, but I think if we talk about some things, it could make our sex life better. And I’d really appreciate that.”

Then talk about how you’re experiencing sex. If he has questions, try to answer them. And ask him to talk about how he experiences sex and how he enjoys it. It might help him understand more fully if he’s also coming to the table sharing things as well. If he needs reassurance, that’s okay. If you need reassurance, ask for it. But get it out on the table. If you’re both clear on what makes the other person sexually happy, you can move to the next part.

Negotiate things you can do together to better meet both of your needs. Try: “So now that we know this, can we talk about things we can try to make me more comfortable and to help you continue enjoying our sex life the way you are?” This part can be fun! You’re working together to come up with a plan for an awesome sex life. You’re working towards both of your needs. And you’ve got real, actionable things to help improve things for you both.

And a final note, on the internal work of being more present. Here’s some of my personal experience: When I let go of judging myself for how I showed up with my partners, things got better. I stopped thinking I was. a bad lover if I “went to Epcot.” I stopped telling myself I was inadequate if I needed to do some mental gymnastics to reach the finish line. This was how my body and mind worked when it came to sex. And pushing against it, weighing it down with all that negativity, just made things harder. When I let go of those things, I was able to enjoy myself more. And enjoy my partners enjoying things, too. Sometimes, I get just as much out of them enjoying themselves, or thinking about how I’m getting them excited (even though I’m not really very “present” in that excitement myself). I’m learning to love the way I show up for sex. And it’s helped me a lot.

I hope some of this is helpful. Trust in your partner. You’ve been together a while, so there’s investment and care. Lean into it. See where that takes you.