Ace Dad Advice: How do you not get frustrated trying to teach everyone else about asexuality?

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.

E writes:

How do you deal with the frustration of trying to answer questions about asexuality? There would be times that someone might be curious about the "legitimacy" of being an ace and why there's not much history about it etc. And sometimes I feel drained not being able to answer them properly (or at least satisfy what they want to know/hear). I could just not answer them at all and drop the conversation, but at the same time I feel guilty not being able to enlighten someone about asexuality.

Hey E -

Boy, do I relate hard to this question. Because of the work I do, I get asked all the time to be a spokesperson or professor of asexuality, even when I’m not necessarily in “Ace Dad” mode. So I get where you’re coming from. This happens to a lot of us.

There’s a strong expectation that since our ace experience isn’t familiar to most people, we are obligated to explain that ace experience whenever we’re asked. It’s usually treated like a price of admission: Explain yourself, because I don’t understand you. And if I don’t understand you, I don’t have to respect you.

This is unfair in so many ways. Being treated decently and fairly shouldn’t hinge upon whether or not someone understands our experience, and the burden of that understanding should fall on the person who doesn’t understand — not us. We’ve got enough to deal with. We’re trying to move through the discriminatory systems ace people exist in. We don’t also need to be responsible for educating the people who are perpetuating those systems in the first place.

So first: give yourself permission to say no to being the educator. The pressure’s off. You’re not obligated to educate anyone on asexuality. Not everyone is built for that kind of work. Not everyone has the emotional capacity for that kind of work. You can choose when you want to wear that hat, but it’s never a necessity that you do.

It’s also important that, when you do choose to wear that educator hat, you take care of yourself. You don’t have to expend emotional and mental energy on folks who aren’t coming from a sincere place. Those trolls on Twitter? Don’t waste your time teaching them. That relative who you’ve explained it to a thousand times? Don’t bother. Disingenuous people are never going to learn. Only expend your effort on sincere, open interactions. Otherwise, you’re depleting your resources for nothing.

It’s okay to prioritize yourself. You don’t have to be the ace community spokesperson. Teach where you can and where it feels right. Don’t worry — there are others in the community with more capacity and the drive. They’ll pick up the slack.