Ace Dad Advice: Is there any hope left for the ace relationship I want?

TD writes:

I found you on YouTube a few weeks ago. I was in my 40's when I discovered I was asexual. It was a relief not feeling like there was something so wrong with me. But this world runs on sexuality, specifically heterosexuality (for the most part). So, I still don't fit in anywhere. I realized a long time ago I was in this alone. Who wants a relationship without sex?

So, yeah, I'm old now. Sixty and downhill and alone. If there comes a time that Aces are as accepted as Gays/Lesbians, I won't be here to see it, or I'll be too old to care. I'm lonely. Any advice for an old Ace who doesn't believe there's any hope left for an Ace-centric relationship?

Hey TD —

One of the big hurdles for many ace folks is the feeling of isolation, of being stranded on a deserted island of aceness in a massive sea of allosexuality. It makes sense: ace folks make up a very small part of the population, and we’re not a hugely visible community in the “real world.” Building a practical community of asexual friends in real life is a daunting task, and to find a relationship or a life partner within that challenge is even more daunting.

It’s a big hurdle, because discovering the truth of ourself is usually such a celebratory experience. It feels great to recognize our truth, our authenticity. Then, to have no one to share that with in the real deep way we want… that’s hard.

Advice? Nothing concrete that would give you a checklist to follow to find that ace-centric relationship you’re looking for. I’m not so bold as to assume I can tell you “It’s out there, go find it! BELIEVE!”

But I can advocate for a certain kind of optimism that’s gotten me through some of the darker parts of my journey.

When I came out as ace, I went through a really dark period where I felt like accepting my aceness was accepting a host of other shitty things: losing my relationship, never being desirable, not feeling complete again, never having the life I want. I deeply resented my asexuality, because I felt it was taking away my options, my possibilities.

But even when it’s hard — especially when it’s hard — we have to move through the world believing even the difficult things are possible. it’s possible to be ace and find the community we want. It’s possible to be ace and find the love we want. it’s possible to be ace and build the life we desire to live. We can’t let those possibilities go, even when the odds are stacked against us.

Is it overly optimistic? Maybe. Probably. But what’s the option? Proving the world right? I found that was less a viable option that moving through the world with an unrealistic level of hopefulness. I’d rather walk through my life believing I can have the things I want and working toward them than accepting the shitty convictions of a world that doesn’t respect who I am and allowing those shitty convictions to stand.

I guess I’m saying: chase the thing you think is impossible. Ask for it anyway. The moves you make may not work out, but at least you’re moving. That’s something.

Sometimes, the most revolutionary kind of activism we can participate in is simply believing we deserve our own existence. That motivates me to hold on to hope, even when the horizon is dark.

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.