Ace Dad Advice: How do I stay true to myself and be ace?

SM writes:

I go to a very small school in a small town. Less than a hundred kids go to my school. Yes I like people more than just platonically. And I desire to be in a romantic relationship. The only problem is a lot of the kids there make fun the LGBTQIA+ community. Since I am in it, I always feel like an outcast.

I want to date someone but some people are rude to people in the community and others .I'm not sure if they will date me. There isn't a whole lot of selection at my school. I want to date someone but I don't want to force it. I'm scared to be rejected because of something I cannot change. The way I dress also might send some flags that I may not swing a certain way for them. I like the way I am. How can I navigate dating while being true to myself and being an asexual that will not have sex ever?

Hey SM —

Well, the tough answer here: there’s no easy one-size-fits-all way to go about doing that. Loving yourself and being true to yourself are sometimes tough skills to master, particularly when you’re among people or in communities that work to make you feel shame.

So I don’t have advice, necessarily. Just two things to remember:

You want to be you when you’re in a relationship. There’s no more efficient way to set yourself up for dating failure than going into a relationship not being true to yourself. If you contort yourself and compromise things about yourself to suit someone you’re interested in or to conform the people around you, you’re going into relationships as someone who doesn’t exist. That’s not you. And while you might be able to maintain that for a while, it’ll never last over the long haul. You want to be YOU when you’re in a relationship, hard as that can be sometimes. An authentic you is the only you who’s gonna make a relationship work.

Who you are needs no apology. I’m burying the lede here, but there’s nothing wrong with you that needs changing in the first place. Who you are needs no apology! The pressure that you feel to conform is the product of many normative social forces pushing against you and the participation in those normative forces of the people around you. None of that is reflective of something real in you that needs fixing or changing. You, as you are, is perfect as is. Know that. Internalize that. And go into the world — and into the dating scene — behaving that way. Remember, you’re going to demonstrate to other people how you’d like them to treat you. So demonstrate pride in who you are. Demonstrate an unapologetic love of who you are. That shows other people what you expect. And you expect and deserve the best.

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.