Ace Dad Advice: I don't get romance. Am I missing out?

E writes:

I love dragons in books and art etc. But in real life, they would be terrifying! We'd all die!

I love queer (gentle) romance in books and shows. But in reality, I don't get it! What are dates? Where's the logic?! I have Stouffer's Mac and Cheese at home! People tend to be layered and difficult too sometimes...all the time. And I've always felt not a whole lot when I've exchanged "I love you's" with someone. Maybe it's always been too soon. And maybe those past people who were bad for me is also a clue. Maybe it's gray or demi romanticism. Maybe it's Maybelline. Sorry.

But it's confusing, because seeing the romance, the "you're my one and only" stuff makes me feel like I need that and maybe I do want that? But I don't swoon for people, I've never done that in the past. That seems silly...and prejudiced. They could be really good looking serial killers!

I feel like I'm more likely to "swoon" for a new metal band's CD or a cool hike. Those things have easily captured my heart.

Perhaps I should keep the dragons and romance stuff in the books anyway. And try to separate fiction from reality, since they live at odd ends of the spectrum. It's so confusing! I don't want to be made to feel like I'm missing something in life when maybe I'm not, per chance. I don't know if I can watch romantic cute stuff right now, because of how confused and lonely but potentially I'm pretty okay? Maybe I shouldn't watch that stuff in general.

I have looked up QPR (queer platonic relationships), and that seems to fit what kind of thing I'd like (but no one's out there and society tells me I need to find this person right now so I'm stressed). I just want to be certain on what I want so I don't have to toil over it all the time. I also feel the stigma of figuring out your orientations asap while you're young. But I suppose the Shire wasn't built/grown in a day.

Hey E,

So, let’s talk about this feeling of missing out.

You’re right. The “my one and only” stuff is everywhere. It’s in the media we consume. It’s in the marketing aimed at us. It’s in the conversations we have with friends. It’s in the pressures exerted by our families. It’s even embedded in the laws we live under (which are designed to privilege finding “my one and only” and making a family with them). Romance stuff is omnipresent.

And it’s designed to do exactly what you’re feeling it’s doing. It’s designed to make you feel like you’re missing out if you choose another path.

This is called amatonormativity, the pervasive social and cultural idea that forming committed romantic relationships that are long-lasting and exclusive is a natural desire for all humans. it’s “how we’re built.” And so, if you’re a human, you should be chasing “my one and only.” Because that’s the only path to being a fully-realized person and a fully-realized you.

The problem is amatonormativity is bunk. it’s not the truth. it’s an idea designed to achieve a very specific end: to pressure you into following a path that makes you the most useful to society (or what society believes is the most useful). Partnering off and forming a family fulfills some of the needs society has to continue running as it has for ages and ages. So to get you there, it has to make romance seem essential — make everything that comes with romance seem essential — and that gets us to amatonormativity.

So that feeling of missing out? The system’s working as designed. That’s what you’re supposed to feel if you don’t prioritize romance.

So there’s nothing wrong with you and the things you want. There’s nothing wrong with the things you don’t want, either. You’re designed for a path that’s outside an amatonormative one. And while that path is a little bumpier than the “my one and only” path, it’s a path you should feel no uncertainty walking.

You’re not missing out. You’re moving through the world and experiencing it a different way. YOUR way. What fulfills you is what you should be focused on. What makes you feel like the best version of yourself is what you should celebrate.

The “my one and only” crowd is going to try and make you change your mind. And that’s gonna suck sometimes. But hold fast. The feelings you have and who you are is the right thing to be… with nothing missing.