Ace Dad Advice: I'm stuck on labels. Help!

If you have questions or need advice about asexuality, sex and relationships, send ‘em to acedadadvice@gmail.com.

N writes:

I am pretty certain that I'm ace and started looking into it to find out more.

I was really overwhelmed with all the labels and categories, especially because no one label suited me, I actually found that several labels described me.

I'm not in a rush to slap a label on myself but is it normal to fit into several different labels and if so, which one do I pick? Is there an all encompassing term?

Hey N,

Out of all the questions I get from folks through “Ace Dad Advice,” questions about labels come up more often than anything else.

Let’s tackle the easy question first: is it normal to fit into several different labels? Absolutely. The language of asexuality is a rich one. not only do we have a range of labels expressing asexual experience from the broad to the highly specific, but those labels can sometimes nest inside each other, multiple times over, allowing for a kind of specificity that makes some folks heads spin.

Why? Human sexuality is complicated. And the asexual community has responded to that complexity by developing a language that embraces that complexity (as opposed to hiding it, the way the language of allosexuality often does). So the fact that you’ve found multiple labels that fit your experience isn’t surprising. A lot of us can be described through multiple lenses in the language of asexuality.

Which do you pick? That’s entirely up to you. It comes down to the language you feel best articulates what you’re experiencing, the language that best represents you. If the highly specific, multiple-label way of speaking of your experience feels right, then grab the handful of labels that work, string them together, and use them. If something broader feels more right for you, then use a simpler, broader label. I often say, “labels are tools, not tests.” Think of them that way, as tools you’re using to communicate yourself to other people. Use the ones that work. Discard the ones that don’t.

And it’s important to remember another function of identity labels: to help you build community. We not only use labels to explain our experience. We also use them to find others who share our experience, so we can build community with them. That can be part of how you decide on what labels to use. Which labels help me find my people? Which labels help my people find me? If you’ve got multiple choices, that could help narrow down which is best to use.

Whichever you choose, remember: they’re tools, not tests. You can rethink them. Use different ones when the need arises. As you change, your labels can change. Labels work for you, not the other way around.