Ace Dad Advice: How do I talk to my friends about the impending changes in our friendship?

O writes:

I've long been comfortable being aroace and use that awareness to focus on the types of relationships I need, dedicated close platonic ones. In our amatonormative world, these continue to be difficult to find and make. A married couple are among my closest, with considerable effort put into those friendships. We spend much of our Sundays together, comfortable in each other's houses, and my cat accepts them as family. The relationship means so much to me and them.

A month ago they told me they were actively trying to get pregnant. There were signs previously, but I was likely in denial and assuming an upper 30s couple married a decade was past this. I was happy and excited for them, but didn't show them the other half of my emotions. I've talked with other close friends about my fears, about the pieces of feeling betrayed (which I have no right to feel), and recognize my brain is trying to process a loss and mourn. Nothing in our relationship has changed at this point, but it's clear from conversation that it will. They said they will maintain things between us, but I know this pattern well, and the realities of the changes. I can tell they know it too, despite best intentions. While I'm happy for them, I have no interest in being around children myself and already struggle with maintaining things with my cousin after her child. They even explained how several of their friends have going children which will help them, making the future of our relationship clearer.

Talking with others has helped, but in the end I need to talk to them about how I feel. Our relationship has trust and openness in it, but it's not fair of me to rain on their parade. This is something they've thought about for years and are happy and excited for, how can I go to them and tell them? To cause them hurt over their joy?

I've already been fighting to stop myself from de-investing in our relationship, and it's already hard, before anything has even changed.

Hey O,

I first want to say I admire how thoughtful you are with your friends. It’s very clear you treat these relationships with considerable care and empathy, and that’s a beautiful thing.

But I think you should also extend that deep care and concern to you, as well.

I think we, as folks on the ace and aro spectrums, are reminded constantly that, because we don’t want the same things in our relationships, we have less ground to ask for things within the relationships we have. We are taught that because, for example, we’re “just friends” with someone, there are strict limits on what we can ask for, what we can express, and what we can share with them.

But that’s a construction. Being ace and/or aro doesn’t relegate us to some second-tier status in our relationships. Being ace and/or aro doesn’t mean our concerns are automatically backgrounded to the concerns of others. We can — and should — feel as though we can express our feelings, our wants, and our disappointments with those close to us.

In this case, you’ve all invested a lot in this relationship. And, regardless of the reasons, they are changing the dynamic of a longstanding relationship. There are, of course, tough emotions that go along with that, particularly for you. You are the one who’ll be experiencing the most change, the most loss. You should be able to share that people who care deeply about you without feeling as though you don’t have the “right” or permission to do so.

We can celebrate positive change while also holding in our hands the loss that comes along with change. It’s okay for you to ask your friends to balance those things with you. (You’re balancing those feelings for them.)

I think the way forward is to tell them you have a mix of feelings about the upcoming changes that you want to share them. Some of those feelings are joyful. Some aren’t. And you want to sit in the safety of this relationship and share them — and maybe find some way to collaboratively work through them somewhat.

You’re not demanding they change their plans. You’re not insisting that nothing change in your relationship. You’re just asking for space to exist as yourself, in your full emotions. You deserve that, particularly with people you’ve invested a lot in, and who have invested a lot in you.

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