Ace Dad Advice: Can I call myself fraysexual?

E writes:

I was wondering if you could help me with an appropriate label for myself. I recently discovered I really resonate with fraysexuality. I've always known that after I feel absolutely comfortable in a relationship, my sexual desire for that person fades, ever since I was a teenager. But it seems like with fraysexuals, they lose sexual desire after anywhere from days to weeks, whereas mine starts to end after the "honeymoon" phase-- 6 months to a year. I've been with my fiancé for almost 8 years, and experience sexual desire for him maybe once a month to every few months, whereas in the first 6 months, it was more frequently. I've also been with my aroace partner for over a year, but it's a long distance relationship, so the "honeymoon" phase hasn't faded quite yet. 

The other thing is it seems like fraysexuals may pursue sexual relationships elsewhere to get what they need, but for me, I don't really require sex in a relationship to feel love or fulfillment. I much prefer non-sexual touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. 

Do you have any terms/labels in mind? I think my worry is that people will get the wrong idea if I start using fraysexual!

Hey E,

I was really happy to get this question. If there’s any microlabel I would adopt for myself, it’s fraysexual.

For the uninitiated, fraysexual folks can experience sexual attraction, but as an emotional bond forms or develops over time, sexual attraction declines or stops completely. For fraysexual folks, sexual attraction is usually present for strangers or for people and connections that are new.

First, a word about labels in general. The language of asexuality is an imperfect and imprecise one. Human sexuality is incredibly complicated, and the words we’ve evolved to describe our different relationships to sex and sexual attraction often describe broad patterns and relationships as opposed to highly specific, minutely drawn ones. So “fraysexual” is describing a broad kind of pattern someone experiences around sexual attraction. It doesn’t include time limits or demands on how that change in attraction goes. For some fraysexual folks, it’s a quick decline. For others, it’s not. The timing isn’t so important. What’s important is that the change happens from relationship to relationship. What’s important is that it’s a overarching pattern of experience.

In my relationships, that shift has taken on different shapes. Sometimes it has been a few weeks or months. Other times, it’s been a year or two. In some relationships, sex slowed down to only occasionally. In others, the sex stopped altogether. None of that variety negates being fray. The pattern is still there. The pattern is the thing.

Secondly, how you and your relationships navigate the shifts of fraysexuality don’t determine the validity of your fraysexuality. I’m polyamorous, so in my relationships, other connections are possible and on the table. If that’s not something you want for yourself — or something your relationship decides isn’t on the table — that’s okay. It doesn’t change how that language describes you. It doesn’t change what’s true about you and the pattern of your experience.

Labels are for us. Sure, they also help others understand who we are and what we want, but remember they’re imprecise. No matter the label we attach to ourselves, we’re still going to have to share with new and prospective partners the nitty gritty of how we experience the world. Our individual quirks and features won’t be summed up by a microlabel. Think of labels as icebreakers, as entry points to to conversations about who you are. Not as final, restrictive definitions.

If fraysexual is coat you want to wear, try it on and see how it fits and feels. If it looks good on you, awesome. If it doesn’t, put it back on the rack and look for something more in fashion.

Need advice on love, sex, and relationships?
Email me at cody@acedadadvice.com