Ace Dad Advice: Is this romantic attraction, and am I aromantic?

Anonymous writes:

I understand this isn't asexuality, but as an asexual myself I am trying to understand my other attractions. I always assumed romantic attraction, but since realizing that my ideal relationship would be living with a best friend even if there was no romance/sex, I am confused. I want a partner for life, but now I don't know if my intense feelings are romantic at all. I am a huge flirt, more sex-favorable, and would like to have children with someone(s) I trust. I'm not keen on marriage, not sure I've ever had a crush, and kissing weirds me out. I know I either experience little to no romantic attraction which means technically I could claim aromantic, but if I experience more romantic attraction should I use an alternative arospec term instead? Am I overthinking all this (which is possible since I have anxiety)? I was wondering if you could try to give a more detailed explanation of what equals romance to most.

Hey friend,

First, let’s tackle that definition of “romantic attraction.” It’s an attraction to a person or a kind of person that makes you want to share romantic contact or interaction with them. This can include wanting to kiss, hug, hold hands with, or cuddle with someone. It can include wanting to label and define the relationship and commitment, as well as desiring to share practicalities with that person. It can include talking about love, sharing feelings of passion and yearning for them. It can include a desire to be deeply vulnerable with someone. And it can all be wrapped in this tingly, sparkly kind of emotion that we don’t necessarily get with our friends and other platonic relationships.

Ultimately, though, what counts as “romantic” is highly individual to the person. If some combination of the above options feel like romance to you, then that’s what romance is. If it’s some other combination, so be it. But you get to name what an experience is for you.

And it sounds like you’ve already got a good handle on that for yourself. That’s great! You have this picture of the things you enjoy, the things you want, and the things that sort of give you the icks. And it sounds as though you’re leaning strongly into reading that experience as aromantic.

Go for it. If that’s the language that resonates with you, if it’s the language you feel compelled to try on for a while to see if it fits, then by all means, allow yourself the freedom to do just that. These bits of language work for us, not the other way around. Labels are tools, not tests. So we decide when they are useful, when they define us, when they speak of our experience.

Another important thing to remember here: an outlier experience doesn’t negate the overall patterns of our lives. Let’s say you do embrace “aromantic” as language for yourself, and at some point you experience what you consider romantic attraction for someone. That doesn’t negate what you previously understood as true. The pattern was important, not the individual experiences taken individually. If it’s just a one-off experience, you can continue on down the aromantic path. But if a new pattern emerges, you can change the language you use for yourself if you want. We can change how we understand ourselves and the language we use to express that.

Ultimately, I want you to give yourself permission to be the authority on your own experience. You live your life. No one else does. So you can decide what experiences fall into which buckets, and you can decide what language to use for it. Your curiosity and conscientiousness here tell me that you will think deeply and carefully about what’s true for you.

So trust what you arrive at. You’re the expert.