High Five: Montrose
Who’s Montrose (they/them)?: An advocate for the importance of community, I love working to connect people; asexual or otherwise. I am grateful to be involved in and managing the social media page for the Washington DC chapter of the Asexuals and Aromantics of the Mid-Atlantic. Beyond that, I am a volunteer for Rhizome DC, the Japan-America Society of Washington DC, and Food Not Bombs. When I’m not volunteering, I enjoy spending time with my book club, working on textile arts projects and studying entomology. Montose identifies as an alloromantic black stripe asexual (and agender).
Question 1: What's your aspec origin story? How did you figure out you were aspec?
I first identified as asexual when I was twelve years old but had to get married and divorced to really be certain. It was very difficult at first reconciling my desire for a romantic relationship with my lack of sexual attraction and preference to be celibate. When my relationship with my ex spouse fell apart for a variety of reasons I finally was able to think more clearly about my preferences and identity which led me to accept and embrace my asexuality.
Question 2: What's one or two important lessons being aspec has taught you?
Being aspec taught me so much about the importance of friendship. I had always feared living my truth as an asexual person because I worried it meant I would be alone due to the difficulties asexual people like me who prefer not to engage in sexual activity face in romantic relationships. However, this lead me to unpack my ideas around friendship and debunk the ideas that partnership should be the centre of your life. I don’t fear that being confidently ace will lead to me being alone anymore because I know I have so many great friends I can count on.
Question 3: What's missing in the aspec community? What do you wish to see improved in the community?
Truly my alloromantic side longs for easier means of making romantic connections. I think dating is fun! I think being asexual has better enabled to communicate my desires and boundaries and thus better prepared me for these types of connections but romantic relationships are so so difficult as an asexual. I know other ace people in my organization (AAMA DC) have expressed this desire as well and suggested things like speed dating and singles nights. In the community at large I’d love to see more events and platforms for allo-ace people to date. I want to make ace4ace happen.
Question 4: What do you think is going right in the aspec community? What are your aspec joys?
It is easier than ever to find other asexual people online and local community groups. That is most certainly going right! One of my greatest asexual joys recently was walking in the World Pride Parade in Washington DC this year. It was such a wonderful experience to see the flag recognized as I marched. I knew it would have meant so much to me as a young asexual struggling to accept myself to see our group (AAMA DC) proudly representing the community.
Question 5: (Choose your own adventure here!) What's a question you wish I'd asked, and what is your answer?
Q: What lessons do you think allosexuals can take from the asexual community? A: I think the deconstruction of relationship expectations is one major thing allos can learn from ace people. Being asexual, our relationships already stray outside of the beaten path by necessity so we have learned to rebuild what we expect from platonic and romantic relationships. During my time in the community, I have learned about the negative impacts amatonormativity and chrononormativity have on everyone! I have learned from other aces about how they have formed non-traditional partnerships and made “relationship menus” to communicate their desires. We could all benefit from better interpersonal communication and throwing out conventions that don’t serve us. For more reading on these topics, I recommend Refusing Compulsory Sexuality by Sherronda J Brown.
You can find Montrose on Instagram @americannori. And you can follow AAMA DC on Instagram at @aceandaromeetupdc.